The Message

I am not easily embarrassed.

I was raised to be confident, resourceful, and resilient.

Shame and guilt are unfamiliar emotions. 

I have a thick skin, and I don’t care what you think. 

Call it a defense mechanism, DNA, Ego, what have you. 

Five years ago when I received my infertility diagnoses I seemed like I was feeling around alone in the dark for solid ground and solutions.

I couldn’t make sense of it. 

What does this say about me?

What does this mean for my labels as woman and wife?

The label of mother I thought I’d slip into not as a choice but an inevitability. 

Like a wild river, the shame and guilt rushed in. 

That I couldn’t give my husband a baby. 

That I’d lived too hard too fast. 

That I did something wrong.

That I was unworthy.

None of this was true. 

I learned both medically and spiritually that this was always going to be my story. 

I suppose I could have magically gotten pregnant at 19 when I had a plethora of eggs and an unscarred uterus. 

But that wasn’t my story. 

I was born to explore wilds, travel the globe, mine the depths of spirit, to navigate all this hard ass human shit. 

I was born to make it through to the other side.

To come back with this vital message for you:

It’s not your fault. 

And.

You are not alone.